Friday, January 07, 2011

Slowing down the Network

It was New year. Left, right and center everyone was making resolutions. Work towards a better career, lose weight, see the world, learn to do shirsana....there were all kinds.
Me ? I hadn't decided anything.. Too much work, will not happen, I wish, too difficult...naah, there was nothing I resolved to do. It is not that I did not need resolutions to make a better me.Only it would be a huge overhaul and would need an entire  stripping to my basic core and then loads of makeover. Phew...did I not say too much work...naah.

Then I thought hard as what was my primary role and how I could be better in it.Motherhood, my mind piped in.

I am not a bad Mother. But again, I am not exemplary in my role.I am just ok. I have several faults. I get irritated if BS doesn't grasp her Math problem quickly, I get physically tired when I reach home and that often dampens my enthusiasm to play with the girls and I check blog comments on my phone when I actually should be finger-painting with the littlest one.

Yes, the last one clearly proves I am a blog addict.
So to be a better Mother,
I need to become calmer -- count from 1 to 100 when irritation strikes,
fitter -- get exercise to build energy
and get over my blog addiction -- How?.

Blogging gives me a high like few other thing does and is the only thing I do in my free time(which btw is after 10pm on weekdays and some days at lunch in work). I get immense happiness putting together a post, photo-shopping and writing.I get to be creative by my own rules and often think my life would have a big void if I did not blog. I also love just fleeting from one blog to another and nosing around in total stranger's lives. Sounds like a crack addict?Well almost.

But really is all of it worth it, I think. The few real life people who know I blog have expressed their own doubts to shake my belief in my blogging philosophy. "What have you achieved in 4 years of blogging?", they ask. Errrr....ummmm...well nothing."Why do you waste so much time?", they would love to ask. Again, err...ummm...not sure.They seem baffled by my urge to put cholar dal on the internet and shake their head in disbelief.

When I started my reasons were more or less as summed in this. As I continued, I discovered a love of writing and photography and that fueled me.But if I am totally honest, I think that I also like the instant gratification that I get out of blogging. The comments rarely critical lull me into a false sense of belief. The increasing number of subscribers or page hits makes me complacent.But really, do they even mean anything ?

I think I need a break to put my thoughts in order, to justify going on doing something just because it makes me happy with no benefit to people in my real life. I need to slow down on the internet and I could have done it without this long post, but being out there in the open it can hold me accountable if I falter.

I will come back once I have it all figured out and broken free of addictions.

After all resolutions are to be broken.

Meanwhile I would still love to write so if any of you can help me with any writing opportunity, I will be more than happy.